Me, BT (Before Tattoos)
As a child, I suffered bullying because I was chubby. This led to me hating my body and always wanting to be someone else. Growing up, I changed my body; I lost soooo much weight, changed my hair colour and my style completely. But still, something was missing. Confidence.
I guess this is when I realised that no matter how many pounds I drop, how my hair looks or how my clothes look, if I don't love myself for who I am and really OWN my body, I will never be confident. And this is when I decided to experiment and see what I love. Really work with my body as my partner and see where it takes me.
When I was 20, I pierced my ears. My mom was against it (of course, she has never supported the stuff I love). But in time, the piercings allowed me to wear my hear in a ponytail. I hated the shape of my face; diamond with big cheeks, you know it. But then, my beautiful earrings somehow made it all come together... And then it hit me; I didn't have to completely dismiss my body in order to like myself. I just needed to modify it. To make it my own.
Later on, I let my bangs grow, dyed my hair red (the blood of angry men) and cut it short. All my life, my hair had chest-lenght. I thought it was covering parts of me I didn't like. But, now I have no bangs to cover my face and my hair is just above the shoulders. No more hiding. Also, it's red because to me it makes me different, but not too much. It seems to me that red hair give me more power and also match with my green eyes. So, the image of myself in the mirror was getting better. I started liking, wait, LOVING myself because I had the power to change whatever the hell I wanted. But, something was missing...
Me, AT (After Tattoos)
I've had this in my mind for a loong time. But, duh, commitment. I just couldn't decide what I wanted and where. But, when I finally made up my mind, I was certain. And I did it. I got a tattoo! Again, this feeling of power, you decide how to modify your body, you decorate it and you play with it. I kept staring at the tattoo for soo long, as if it was my child. Then, after a month or two, I got another one.
And this really is my love-child, in a way. On my collarbone, I see it almost every time I look myself in the mirror. This tattoo helped me accept myself for who I am. A person who despite the difficulties, still rises. This tattoo is a reminder of all my struggles and the times I fought alone.
It was pointless to spend years and years wanting to be someone else, to have another body. But, in reality, it wasn't like that at all. I didn't wanna be someone else; I wanted to be myself. Confused yet? Allow me to explain.
I discovered who I am with that one tattoo. Before that, I was lost, constantly reinventing myself. I was born a white canvas and as the years went by I added bits and pieces inside and outside of me. I was painting a work of art. And that work of art was me.
Now, I get it. I hated myself because I wasn't myself. Always something was missing. I thought that another person or the image of another would make me complete, but the truth is we are made complete. We just have to add and add things to ourselves to make us a whole,
I am confident now. I know that how I look now is how I am supposed to be. Maybe I'll change that; I like changes after all. But this tattoo will always remind me that I am whole and I am me...
***per aspera ad astra***
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